Stand-Up Comedian & Writer

Dream Scenarios: First Day of School

In just one day I will begin my second year of teaching high school English. I am nervous, excited, and plan on teaching significantly better this year.

The first day of school is thrilling because you get to meet the students, who for the next 185 days, will essentially control your emotions and attitude. You will either come home from work and look at the oven thinking “I’d love to cook some dinner,” or “How long does my head need to be in there for of all this to end?”

This first day is crucial and dictates how the rest of the year will pan out. In order to make sure the year is beneficial for both the students and myself, here are my dream scenarios for the first day of school.

The Twisted Sister

First, walking into a classroom with all of the students sitting in their desks would be a miraculous sight. Second, seeing students throwing paper airplanes and not staring at their phones would also be phenomenal. But more importantly can you imagine having the power to shut doors by only snapping your fingers? No door would be safe. I would slam the door shut on the tardy students every. single. time. And how bold is it to not even introduce yourself to the classroom but instead transition straight into trash talking and assigning homework? No “Hello class, I’m Mr. Lay,” but instead spitting into the kids’ faces and ridiculing their weight. Cold blooded.

Granted the students do revolt, but if my students turn into one of the most iconic glam-rock bands in order to fight back, by all means please rock out and send my body through the asbestos plagued ceiling and straight into a basketball hoop.

School of Rock

I love to sleep in as late as possible, which unfortunately cuts any time for me to eat a hearty breakfast. After the first ten minutes of my first teaching period, I am already starving and counting down the time until lunch. If I take the students’ food on the first day I instantly establish my alpha male dominance and let the students know that no food in the class will go uneaten by my hungry mouth. Some teachers call this a “two-fer.”

But no cutting the demerits. Absolutely not. The classroom would instantly transform into Lord of the Flies and I would be the first to go as punishment for eating all of their snacks.

Billy Madison

High school students are insightful, creative, and well honestly pretty dull at times. The age difference makes some jokes fly right over their 15 year old heads and conversations can quickly become stagnant. However, if there was a 27 year old man repeating grades 1-12 in order to inherit his father’s business, I would have somebody to joke around with and quite possibly a new best friend. We could even discuss which teacher is the hottest and have it not be creepy. More importantly I would have another person in the class to help motivate the students to be proactive and “Get your ass out there and find that fucking dog!”

Teen Wolf

I dream of teaching a student who becomes a superstar professional basketball player. If I ever get the sense a student could be special, I am taking him to the gym after class, swatting every shot and crossing him over until his ankles explode in defeat. Of course I only do this so I can brag about destroying him in one on one and claiming the beat down made him into what he ultimately became- a transcendent basketball star with a strong knowledge of metaphors and similes.

Now if this stud athlete also had the ability to turn into a real life teen werewolf, dunk all over every high school student in the state, and in the process make everyone accept him for being the freak that he is, then I would have a new role model and life coach. Every teacher wishes to have a student leader who brings everybody together to form a tight knit community. The fact that he wins state basketball championships, gets the most popular girls in school, surfs on vans, all while being a human werewolf, is just badass delicious icing on the cake.

To the new school year!

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