Stand-Up Comedian & Writer

Only a Week into 2017 and My New Year’s Resolutions Are Already Ruined. Now What?


If after one week of 2017, you still feel like a pile of garbage personified, then you have come to the right place! You are most likely back to overindulging in the things you love, which unfortunately are things society shuns with the most upturned of noses.

Those nasty habits of non-stop drinking, smoking, watching porn, and/or some other problematic devilish behavior have re-entered your life, or more honestly, never even left. But worry no more! Fixing your mistakes are my calling, my mold of clay that I shape-shift with the precision and sexiness of short-haired Demi Moore and an opaque Patrick Swayze. So cue the Righteous Brothers and I will unchain those evil temptations and set you free. I may possibly even commit manslaughter by dropping a broken jagged window onto your resolutions’ stomachs, only to see their ghost reincarnations be painfully dragged into hell, where they belong.

This sense of freedom and pride can be yours with 5 easy payments of $19.99. Just Venmo your payments to the account SAM.WHEAT.RIP and type your email into the payment description box.

But if you still have your doubts, I’ve included a few of my helpful tips for FREE!

Proceed and begin to take control of your life, ignoring those who try to put you in a corner.

Staying Fit and Healthy/Losing Weight

Everybody wants those rock hard abs and thrusting Adonis belts. And who can blame them? Chiseled physiques and low body fat percentages are a few of the staples in life to guarantee a life full of dirty sex, dirtier money, countless Instagram followers, and a means to justify masturbating to your own image in your “Enter the Dragon” room. A   room jam-packed with mirrors, providing stunning visuals of your body from every angle imaginable. Here’s how to achieve that glamorous bod in the new year.

  1. Throw away all of your food in the house. STAT. PRONTO. ASAP. This is common logic. The less food you have in your house, the less you will eat.
  2. Replace all of your mirrors with fun-house mirrors that double your body size. The fatter you think you are every day, the more motivated you’ll be to shed those pesky pounds.
  3. Download Grubhub via the App Store. (Google Play works too.)
  4. Only order food from Muscle Makers Grill & Jamba Juice for every meal.
  5. Repeat step four for three months.

*Disclosure: Muscle Makers Grill & Jamba Juice are initial investors in this blog.

Quitting Smoking

  1. Begin drinking and/or drink more (drugs work too).

Getting Sober (Alcohol)

  1. Begin smoking and/or smoke more (drugs work too).

Getting Sober (Drugs)

  1. Begin drinking and smoking and/or drink and smoke more (drugs will not work).

Quitting Pornography

Disclaimer: If pornography is your current career, have a new job lined up before you quit. I hold no responsibility if you fail to do so.

If you find yourself habitually violating your genitals to people performing filthy sex acts, then do the following:

  1. Switch from hardcore porn to softcore porn (or vice versa).
  2. The switch will be so shocking to your senses, you will become disinterested (or offended) at the lack of (or gratuitous amount of) close-up shots of private parts violently smashing into one another.
  3. BONUS TIP (for Millennials only): Switch from viewing porn on the internet and try finding the porn you love at your local library like your grandfathers used to do. After spending hours digging through those dusty Encyclopedia Britannicas for your favorite porn stars, you’ll be more interested in studying the rise of industrialization, than the rise of Jenna Jameson.

For more helpful New Year’s resolutions tips on topics such as: how to read more, how to become more organized, how to do the dance move in Dirty Dancing, how to not feel guilty about white privilege, how to make others feel guilty for not being white, and more, please Venmo payments to SAM.WHEAT.RIP and comment your email in the payment description box.

I look forward to helping you. Happy New Years!





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