Stand-Up Comedian & Writer

Buffalo Bill’s Valentine’s Day Advice

Hi. Hello. My name is Jack Gordon. Others like to call me Buffalo Bill, but to be honest, I’m not too fond of the nickname. I don’t like westerns. The women in those movies had no taste, always dressing in dark colors. Not to mention that they were rail thin. So, anyway, please call me Jack.

Valentine’s Day is one of my most favorite holidays. Some claim the holiday to be a marketing ploy, created by Hallmark, to boost profits. But I see it as a day of opportunity. On Valentine’s Day women are more vulnerable than usual and are desperate for male companionship – especially the great big fat girls.

Of course others dislike Valentine’s Day because they never know what to buy or what to do with their significant other. If you’re feeling lost, try out some of my gift and date recommendations.


  • Jergens Body Lotion – Dry skin is never sexy. The softer the skin, the smoother the skin, the easier it becomes to peel off.
  • Moth Collection – Moths are so romantic. They symbolize change and are not as pretentious as butterflies. Moths are like humans, both endure drastic change in life and don’t always become the most beautiful creature in the end.
  • Mix CD – A classic Valentine’s gift. From my experience new wave and synthpop music best set the mood. Bands like Q Lazzarus will get your lover asking, “Would you fuck me?” in no time.
  • A Tailored Dress – Give your lover a skin-toned tailored dress made special from their figure. *Works best for size fourteens and bigger*
  • Weight Loss Supplements – This may sound cruel at first, but your great big fat person will thank you in the end when her baby-soft skin glides right off her rail thin body.

Date Ideas

  • Dancing – Go out dancing or dance in your own home to the mix CD you created!
  • Role-playing – This is for the extra adventurous couples. I personally love to role-play as a handicap person who needs help moving furniture into his van.
  • Night Vision Tag – Tag was a wonderful game as child. Believe it or not it’s even better as an adult. Give one person night vision goggles and have them chase the other around in a pitch black house. Raise the stakes and add two loaded pistols.
  • Bed and Breakfast – Take your lover to a bed and breakfast getaway. My only suggestion is to make sure the bed and breakfast as an old-fashioned water well. Trust me, if used correctly, the water well will be the most memorable part of the weekend.



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