Stand-Up Comedian & Writer

Happy President’s Day?

Happy President’s Day!

Or something like that.

Before today, nobody truly cared about President’s Day. The holiday was simply an excuse for a three-day weekend.

Trump’s presidency has ignited protests every week since he’s been in office. Trump and his administration are so controversial that people took the time to organize “Not My President’s Day” rallies across the U.S.

You know you might be an unqualified orange piece of garbage if you managed to make people hate President’s Day. Trump is so disliked that if his face was printed on money, (Oh God, what a terrifying thought) people would use those dollar bills as toilet paper and fire starters. I bet people would go out of their way to get their change in “Trump bucks” (fuck) just so they could rip the money to pieces.

If Trump claimed chocolate as his favorite ice cream flavor, more than half the world would actively protest chocolate ice cream. Vanilla ice cream stock would sky rocket to unprecedented numbers. This man is so terrible that he could make people hate chocolate ice cream.

Celebrating President’s Day while a person like Trump is currently the president would be as bad/wrong as:

  • Ray Rice wearing a feminist t-shirt
  • Naming a playground after Jared from Subway
  • A Chris Christie Weight Watchers plan
  • Giving Milo Yiannopoulos free publicity (oh wait, shit)
  • Michael Vick’s Kibble and Bits
  • Jennifer Grey’s career post rhinoplasty
  • Anti-aging cream by Donatella Versace
  • Giving Woody Allen a Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Award

Trump somehow managed to suck the life out of a three-day weekend.

What an asshole.

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