Stand-Up Comedian & Writer

Lettuce: The Ultimate Superfood

Maintaining a healthy lifestyle and diet can be difficult to accomplish. Every day there is new information and new trends appearing online promising an easy path to your dream body.

If you still haven’t found a suitable diet for your lifestyle, search no more. The answer and power lie in a superfood vegetable you’ve known all your life: lettuce.

The diet is simple.

Substitute food and household items with lettuce and experience life-changing results.


The most obvious food substitution is lettuce instead of bread. Ignore Oprah. She’s lying to everybody. She loves bread about as much as she loves Stedman.  Simply add more green to your burgers, sandwiches, bread bowls, etc. and you will begin to detoxify in a matter of days.


Switching to a more rigorous lettuce diet doesn’t mean sweets are off the table. First, scrape out the creamy filling of an Oreo into a bowl. Next, throw away the outer cookies, aka beach body killers. Now just grab a handful of lettuce, Romain is my personal favorite, and dunk the angelic greenery into the cream. Legend has it that the Romain & Oreo filling combination is what keeps TMZ’s Harvey Levin youthful. (Sidenote: Harvey’s iconic green straws are made of lettuce!)

Toilet Paper

Toss out all your Charmin immediately and invite fresh greens into your bathroom. While you’re at it, throw out the wet wipes too. Lettuce is 96% water and a wonderful natural moisturizer. The green wonder also contains many antioxidants that will have your butthole living on cloud nine. There’s nothing better than an eco-friendly butthole. Just ask your significant other.

Facial Mask

A simple life hack with tremendous results. Peel apart a head of lettuce and soak the leaves in bleach overnight. The next morning, heat the leaves in a microwave oven for 2 minutes. Apply to face and enjoy the rejuvenation.

CrossFit Workout DVD

Be the envy of all your crossfit-meathead-cult friends with one simple trick. Grab a magic marker (I suggest Sharpie) and write “Lettuce-Fit Calorie Burner” on a single leaf. Jam the leaf into your Blu-ray player (DVD players work too) and enjoy the blue “unable to read disc” exercises while the CrossFit cult members run around the neighborhood.

Devil’s Lettuce

My personal favorite. This lettuce substitution not only works out your core but will enlighten your spirit.  Smoking a fat bowl of lettuce unleashes the third eye and also awakens pectoral minors so deep, you’ll think your body is undergoing cardiac arrest.

WARNING: You may not be able to overdose on weed, but you CAN overdose on lettuce. Smoke lettuce responsibly.





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