Stand-Up Comedian & Writer

Mahoney’s Microfiber Towels Memo: RE Anti-Semitism

DATE: November 20, 2022

TO: All Staff

FROM: Titus Mahoney III, CEO

SUBJECT: Anti-Semitism

The recent anti-Semitic comments and views promoted by Kanye West and Kyrie Irving are troubling. In harrowing times it is important to stand for humanity and support those under attack.

It is also important to let our consumers know where we stand, in order to continue to keep taking their money.

If done correctly, we can increase our sales of Mahoney’s Microfiber Towels by capitalizing on these unfortunate times.

As you know, I am agnostic and believe this company should stray from religious discourse. Except for when money is at stake.

Anti-Semitism is all the buzz right now. We cannot let other companies like Adidas, Nike, and Chipotle reap all the benefits.

Think of a promo like “Our Microfiber towels soak up grime, liquids, and Jewish discrimination!” “Experiencing Jewish hate? Microfiber it!”

I would share more genius campaign ideas, but then what would I be paying all of you for?

Side note: if anyone is interested in creating a Mahoney’s Microfiber Towel yamaka sample, please email the merchandise department immediately.

If we play our cards right, we can fight anti-semitism, promote love, and deepen our company’s profits.

Onward to a lucrative future.

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