Stand-Up Comedian & Writer

How to Survive the TikTok Ban

The impending ban of TikTok getting you down? Worried about how to broadcast all of your content to your devoted followers? Worried about losing money? Worry no more. The ban of TikTok only means it is time to get even more creative to satiate your followers lust for daily mediocre videos that are branded as content.

Take your influencing power and brand to the streets. Literally. Americans take 1.1 billion trips a day. Find the busiest highway or intersection and do your dance, sketch, meme, etc. LIVE. You’re bound to provide content to a number of your fans, and even gain some new ones in the process! Bonus points if you become involved in an accident. Just think about the viral possibilities!

Post a flier for a weekly meet up. Fliers are great because only strange weirdos read them. These weirdos tend to be lonely and are eager for human contact. These social deficient weirdos can become your new day ones and can help you recruit more followers to help you hock the latest Bang Energy drink to prepubescent consumers.

Create weekly hang outs. Use your new flier reading pals to your advantage. Provide weekly hangouts where the sole purpose of meeting is to discuss you and increase your brand. This gratuitous fellation of ego will satisfy your dopamine withdrawals. More importantly, it will begin phase II of manifesting your own cult.

Establish a uniform for your followers to wear. Be sure to make their uniform bland compared to your promotional supplied outfits. It is important your followers know they are less than you in worth. Every now and then feel free to discard a promotional item of clothing to one of your minions. *NOTE* The article of clothing you bequeath should not fit the recipient. Remind them that you are in better shape. This will increase their desire to be more like you. Explain to them that due to their lack of god-level genetic, they will need to attempt your rigorous diet and strenuous workout routine. Don’t worry. They will fail and worship you even harder.

Once your cult is uniformed and has achieved stable numbers, have the members provide seed money to start a new social media app. The app will focus on you and your daily natural life. Each member must pay a membership to join. If you’ve formed your cult correctly, your app will have so many users that brand ambassadors will be dying to be mentioned on your app. The money and product earned from desperate brands and your devoted followers will finally bring you the inner peace that self content can never bring.

If you’re really lucky, China will ask to use your app as a resource for non-threatening data collection and not at all a way to spy on Americans.

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