Stand-Up Comedian & Writer

Inauguration Week Deals: Online Sales to Kick Off the Trump Presidency

With the inauguration only a day away, there are hundreds of fantastic deals across the web. But don’t worry about scouring the internet for the best savings, I’ve done all of the dirty work for you. But act fast! The end of days are upon us!

Harry’s Toupees

Looking for an ineffective and terrible way to cover up a major insecurity? Then check out Harry’s Toupees. This week all toupees, pre-owned only, are 45% off when you use checkout code TRUMP.

Rosetta Stone

Learn a new language at a great price. Use coupon code PUTINISNOTTHEENEMY and receive 25% off (Russian courses only).


Sure, the “Great Wall of Mexico” will take years to build and be comically expensive, but that doesn’t mean your personal wall has to suffer the same fate. Lowe’s is offering 30% off all fence materials. Just enter checkout code TOTHEWINDOWTOTHEWALL and build your own wall at home (neighbor not guaranteed to cover the costs).

Plumbers Inc.

Plumbers Inc is offering 25% off of their new and patented “Drain the Swamp” plumbing services. Plumbers Inc is run by two brothers who have never had any prior plumbing experience, with the exception of clogging their own toilets at home. Experience is overrated though. Their outsider techniques – such as cramming more junk into congested pipes, hoping the grime will simply trickle down and out – could be just what your household needs.


Tax season is always a major chore. Thankfully, TurboTax is offering 50% off of their prestigious TurboTax: Golden Toilet Package (exclusive to the 2%). The Golden Toilet Package fills out taxes so quick, it’s as if they were never filed in the first place. Incredible.

Possess tiny hands that look as if they belong to a children’s action figure? Have trouble eating junior cheeseburgers or drawing adequate hand turkeys for Thanksgiving? Help alleviate your tiny hand problems and rebuild your self-esteem by saving 60% off all miniature coffee mugs, pencils, and other everyday objects with coupon code IMAGROWERNOTASHOWER.

Say adios to those bad hombres at CNN, The New York Times and other garbage fake news sites with Breitbart’s Fake News Blocker. Save 35% with coupon SNOWFLAKE.

Larry Craig’s Dirty Stall Sex Shop

For those with a kinkier side, Larry Craig’s Dirty Stall Sex Shop currently has 25% off all golden shower themed DVDs & 30% off all taboo family relationship DVDs. Spend more than $50 and receive a bonus 10% off your choice of pocket pussy (now you can grab on the go!).

Alt-Right InterNational Cruise

Sail the flat Earth and explore the coast of Alabama, Louisiana, and Mississippi with your best pure-blooded brothers for 15% off with coupon code NAZI. Bonus: Confederate flags and clean white sheets are complementary!

Here’s to the next (gulp) four years.







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